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The Emotional Toll of Living Up to Others' Dreams

Writer's picture: Loris HaddadLoris Haddad

I once witnessed a close friend of mine suffer through something that got my attention. She was in her last year of high school, a period of thrilling choices about the future. For her, that excitement was overshadowed by tension at home. Her parents thought her best professional route was medical school, which is also the safest and the most respected. But she desired to be an artist, a passion that brought her delight and purpose. I remember she was torn between following her path and meeting her parents' expectations. She studied science for hours, but her heart was in the drawings she would create late at night, praying no one would see. She told me one day, she felt she was living someone else's life, not her own.

In this blog, we will explore how these pressures affect our lives and the psychological and emotional toll they cause when our aspirations clash with what others desire for us. We will discuss how this dynamic could influence our relationships, sense of self, and capacity to achieve the life we want. We will also go over how to handle these challenges and find a balance between honoring the wishes of our loved ones and differentiating ourselves from others. If you have ever gone through this kind of struggle or seen someone close to you go through it, this blog aims to help you sort out these complex feelings and let you think about your journey. 

What is Parental Overcontrol or Projection Parenting

The projection of parenting, often known as parental overcontrol, is the technique wherein a parent ultimately shapes their child's life depending on their own goals, values, or unmet expectations. Parents perceive their children as extensions of themselves in this dynamic, guiding their lives around realizing that goal and determining what they should become. Sometimes, this excessive oversight means closely controlling the child's activities, interests, and future goals, thereby denying little chance for autonomy or uniqueness. Usually driven by a desire to fulfill personal goals or suit society's standards, this parenting approach results from the parents' need to live vicariously through their children. With little thought given to the child's personality or preferences, it can often involve directing career paths, hobbies, or lifestyles. 


How Parental Overcontrol Affects Our Lives 

Our lives may become quite emotionally tense if we let our own goals dance with the expectations of parents and society. When others who love us expand their influence into our domain our own choices, preferences, and dreams it may result in a complicated web of emotional and psychological challenges. From following careers that don't spark our enthusiasm to keeping relationships that feel more required than enjoyable, this dynamic might show itself in various areas of our lives.

The psychological toll may include:

  • Anxiety.

  • A continuous sensation of separation from our real selves.

  • A slow erosion of our self-worth.

The consequences might be very intense at turning moments and transitions, for example, beginning a career, enrolling in education, or making significant personal decisions. These developments intensify the struggle between our aspirations and those of others. The weight of others' aspirations for us can blur our judgment and make it difficult to tell what we desire from what we have been conditioned to want. Our relationships, sense of self, and happiness might be much changed as we navigate this rugged terrain through this continuous conflict between outside demands and internal needs.


Strategies to Handle Parental Overcontrol

Practical strategies to control overcontrolling parental behaviors while preserving good family dynamics:

For Parents:

  1. Allow age-appropriate autonomy. 

  2. Concentrate on teaching rather than leading.

  3. Practice stepping back from addressing every problem. 

  4. Listen more, instruct less.

  5. Encourage chances for decision-making.

  6. Acknowledge your child's developing skills.


For young adults:

  1. Establish clear personal limits.

  2. Participate actively in daily tasks.

  3. When suitable, make individual decisions.

  4. Obtain confidence through new experiences.

  5. Keep open lines of communication.

  6. Practice self-reliance in manageable steps.


For Families United:

  1. Plan frequent conversations with your family.

  2. Set clear expectations.

  3. Emotional support should be balanced with independence. 

  4. build mutual trust through little actions.

  5. Let natural results occur.

  6. Celebrate development and successes. 

  7. Share family decisions on important subjects.


Recognize that change occurs gradually. Emphasize the need to make small, continuous changes to strengthen family relations. Young adults and parents may require time to adapt to new interaction habits. 


Compass Coaching Approach

Navigating the fine line between following your aspirations and meeting those of others may be rather hard. Compass Coaching is aware of the difficulties this dynamic causes for individuals and their families. One may design a more harmonic and rewarding road forward by encouraging open communication, setting limits, and building mutual trust. We are here to assist you whether you find yourself at a crossroads or require direction to explore your goals. Compass Coaching provides a complimentary 30-minute session to assist you in finding clarity and starting the path toward a life consistent with your true self. Book your session right now to let us provide you with the assistance you need to find your path. 


References

Chorpita, B. F. (1997). Influences of over-controlling parenting style on anxiety and negative affect: An evaluation of preliminary structural etiological models. . New York : State University of New York at Albany.


Creste, I. (2020). An exploration of overparenting and college student ability to manage the stress associated with college life. (Doctoral dissertation, Antioch University).


Keizer, B. M. (2012). Child behavioral inhibition, parental overcontrol, and parental anxiety as predictors of adolescent anxiety. . University of Louisville.


Nucci, L., Hasebe, Y., & Lins-Dyer, M. T. . (2005). Adolescent psychological well-being and parental control of the personal. . New Directions for Child & Adolescent Development, 108.


Urone, C., Verdi, C., Iacono, C. L., & Miano, P. . (2024). Dealing with Overparenting: Developmental Outcomes in Emerging Adults Exposed to Overprotection and Overcontrol. . Trends in Psychology, 1-26.


Yaffe, Y. (2024). Parental Overprotection and Locus of Control as the Mechanisms Explaining the Relationship Between Parent and Child Anxiety: A Multiple Mediation Model. . Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 1-14.


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